From Ruin to Recovery – Part Five

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four Part Five

Part Five

By: Jean Johnson for Body1

As far as working the 12 step program of Overeaters Anonymous, Alice Clark has some thoughts from the recovery side of the chasm that divides those practicing the disease from those in recovery.

“One of the hardest things about being abstinent from using food compulsively is your feelings,” said Clark. “It’s great not being in the disease, but it is really hell when you start feeling things – really horrible. That’s why it’s important to connect with people who know what it’s like because they help you get through it.

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“The first step is about admitting you’re powerless, but it’s hard because all your addicted life you’re trying to hold on to being in charge. And for a long time you think you are in charge, but your disease is really running the show. So it’s a little tough at the beginning.”

Initially Clark found some of the OA slogans and practices obnoxious. “They’d say ‘we’ll love you until you learn to love yourself,’” she said doing her best to sound like a goody two-shoes Pollyanna. “I just hated that. And I also hated it when they wanted a hug too.” She laughs. “Now I hug people and try to love them until they love themselves. And when you watch someone new come in, you remember how much you hated yourself where you were in the disease.”

Seasoned OAers helping newcomers until they can help themselves sounds admirable, as does coming out from under the cover of denial. Surely, though, it takes more than that to free oneself from a binging and purging compulsion.

“It’s true,” Clark said. “You have to turn your life over to a higher power – your attempt to control things over to a power greater than yourself. It was something that was really hard for me since I’d had the Catholic religion forced down my throat all my life. But they said just have the group be your higher power if you didn’t want to use God, so I did. It was nice because no one was telling me what I should believe in.”

That was just the beginning for Clark though. “One thing they said was that it’s a very simple program – but to do it you have to change your entire lifestyle. Also they started saying how their best friends were OA people. I said to myself, ‘No way in hell,’ but you know, it’s really happened. I’ve never had relationships where you can tell people that you used to throw up outside your car window. They accept such really bizarre things, and because there’s anonymity and no one ever talks about what they hear in the meetings, you’re safe. The anonymous part is really nice.”

On the subject of confiding in her husband, Clark says that she was highly reluctant. “I was positive my husband would leave me. That he’d think I was the worst pig on earth. But finally when I told him, he just said, ‘I’m really glad that you’re getting help.’”

Clark shakes her head remembering. “After all those years of lying and he was so understanding. I could not believe it.

“But then I was really judgmental and critical of myself and the world when I first got into OA,” Clark muses collecting her purse and vest so that she won’t be late for her meeting. “Rage. It was all that rage over how angry I was at my mother. Then when I wasn’t binging and purging any more, that feeling would come up. That’s when I had to do what they call ‘act as if I had a higher power’ and go to meetings and write things down and try to figure out what was going on.”

One thing Clark found was that feelings can often masquerade for other feelings. “Yes, in the end I realized my rage was covering up for fear. Fear was too frightening, you know? But rage made me feel powerful. I came to understand that, whereas before OA I had felt justified in my anger. There was anger in my family of origin too. A lot of door slamming and name calling. As a child I was punished and had to go to my room until I was feeling happy enough to come out, so a big part of it is that we didn’t learn in that generation that it is OK to have the feeling. I think a lot of it was their upbringing as well. And before that children were seen and not heard.”

It all sounds great, but how is Clark really doing these days with her feelings and all? She laughs. “Well I still get angry, but it’s not like before when I used to go to my car and scream and cry because I’d be so mad. Now I know that as overwhelming as feelings are, they pass because that’s all they are – just feelings that come and go like waves.”

OK, but what about all the other steps in having to change your whole life? More chuckling from Clark. “It does seem impossible at first, and newcomers are sure those of us who have recovery are somehow stronger than they are or didn’t have the disease as badly.

“But the steps are numbered and have an order to them so you won’t freak out. Listing all your resentments and the things you are ashamed of, making amends for the things you’ve done wrong, and learning to live an honorable life free of lying and cheating and gossiping – that all takes time, and the rooms and program are there to support people while they find their way.

“In fact that’s the clincher. OA says that the only way you can keep your recovery is by giving it away since so much of the disease is about self and being self-centered. So people like me are there to help the newcomers – not to mention learn from them. I try to go to meetings three times a week. It’s essential. It’s part of my life, and if I don’t have it, things don’t work out as well. I may be in recovery but I will always be compulsive about food.”

Last updated: 13-Jun-06